Pregnancy, Mental Health & A Global Pandemic

(Originally written during the first UK lockdown in March 2020, but somehow still seemed incredibly relevant)

So… Not quite how I had envisioned my second pregnancy wrapping up.

I am due in mid-June (she ended up arriving early July, happy and healthy, born in the passenger seat of the car), and we find ourselves in week five of lock-down here in the UK. There is uncertainty across the board, and discussions around easing up on the restrictions seems somewhat futile until we know the science has had a chance to catch up, as without some form of treatment (or vaccine) we would surely just be sleepwalking into another peak (spoiler from 2021, we did).

But for pregnant women and new mothers there is a whole added layer of unknown.

From whether or not birth-partners will be able to attend labour (the current guidance suggest they can, but may not be able to stay once mom/baby are moved to recovery, and obviously there is limited childcare options for second time parents to allow for this), to the actual birth-choices available to new moms (a lot of home-birth restrictions are in place due to a lack of ambulances, midwife-led units (i.e. birth pools, etc) are in many instances not available or being used as isolation wards, and the labour wards involve a lot of restrictions).

Then of course there is all the anxiety around pre-natal appointments (PPE wearing - amazing and supportive - midwives, antibac all around, gloves and guidance on attendance) and the aftercare (a lack of home-care visits due to safety, women feeling hesitant in reaching out to their GPs, a lack of support in terms of both the physical and mental recovery for mothers, parents worrying about bringing their babies in for vaccinations to avoid coming into contact with other illnesses - side note, definitely get immunised! GPs are prepared for this).

Basically, it is a lot for anyone to wrap their head around.

On the flip side, the village does seem to have moved online. There are some wonderful community groups, professionals and official resources making themselves heard via social media (Instagram seems like a favourite medium). Women share their experiences and ask questions, support, and listen, while professionals offer guidance and further resource links. So, options do exist, but you still have to find them AND the time to digest once you are there.

I cannot imagine what first-time moms are feeling right now. That being said, a good friend pointed out that she didn’t know any different, so this - as mad as it was - seemed oddly normal to her.

Still, that lack of knowing what support might be needed or available could prove a double-edged sword. It might mean not knowing when or how to ask for more (which, let’s be honest, was difficult even beforehand. Birth trauma in particular was not considerately handled in my experience).

Then there are the mamas who have been here before, and/or who might already have kids at home to look after. And maybe a job that now means WFH full time. Without childcare. And perhaps a partner who is also working.

The transition to lock-down family mode for me personally felt like walking into a confusingly shaped wall.

Initially I remember thinking this felt like having been ‘forced’ into early maternity-leave, with no time to prepare mentally, which I am sure to many can sound incredibly privileged. I would also like to point out here that stay-at-home moms do the most work hours (20-24/7 usually) with the least pay and are utter superheroes (whose own mental health and personal needs are often overlooked).

Lockdown home-life for us meant an amazing, chatty, toddler girl with a lot of energy, but also a lot of emotion around not seeing her friends in-person anymore (or going to the park), who just wanted togetherness and to explore our immediate little world (which thankfully - and again, privileged - included a small garden).

A partner who still had to work all day, except now without any income as he tried to salvage not only his small business but protect his employees (we work in TV (I am a freelance Producer) and Events respectively, neither ideal industries for social distancing regulations).

And a lot of to-do lists that suddenly seemed impossible.

Nesting and additional baby items? The nursery was due to have carpets fitted around the time of lock-down, so now sat unusable without proper flooring, and as far as new purchases went… Our household income had just dropped to £0 for the foreseeable future, whereas the bills decidedly had not.

Professional achievements? Finding time to jump on any remaining work seemed impossible at best - I spent the first lunch-time naps dealing with emails and conference calls and managed to squeeze some socially distant single-crew shoots in there. But finding time to actively hunt for more alongside a majority of other suddenly unemployed freelancers within an industry that had gone quiet? Not so much.

Personal projects and goals? See nap times. I was lucky to have a two-year-old who still went down for around an hour and a half a day. But this time also needed to include going over household admin with the other half, calling banks and suppliers and managing other issues, as well as occasionally affording us both the time to just sit and stare blankly into the wall whilst cradling our coffee mugs.  

And financial security? One of the biggest sources of anxiety alongside the promise of extreme sleep deprivation and a lack of ‘me-time’ when it came to having another newborn in the house / maternity leave? Scroll back a few paragraphs.

Despite a lot of fancy words from the podiums, it quickly became apparent the UK government had no real plans or methods of protecting a majority of businesses or freelancers who didn’t fall into very limited categories. Or, you know, mothers. As the Self Employed Support Scheme provided no support for any moms who had taken maternity leave in the past three years, despite earning steadily around it.

We happened to be a household of two company directors. Yet, despite contributing to both the tax-coffers and our communities over the years, we found ourselves eligible for effectively nothing in terms of support.

On top of this my personal second-pregnancy journey included the joyful experience of Hyperemesis Gravidarium; a debilitating condition that involves severe nausea and dehydration/starvation if left untreated. Looking back now. Throwing up over fifty times in twenty-four hours, often from the very sight of a glass of water, gets to you. The physical toll is immense, but the mental one is often somehow even higher. So all in all, very grateful for modern medicine and the treatment options that do exist.

Illustration by the amazing @Common_Wild - please check her out here

Anyway, back to lock-down.

I feel genuinely grateful that we have a toddler whose development needs are focused around talking, reading and spending time together. Granted, it means 12 hrs of non-stop talking every day but nonetheless. The parents dealing with school-aged children, trying to balance home-schooling schedules and ‘accountability’ assignments from the teachers who have been forced to learn a whole new skillset, while holding down jobs of their own and hopefully some shred of sanity… I salute you.

The new moms who may have lost their ability to make choices or have the planned support alongside them during labour, and are now coping with not only adjusting to the fourth trimester but stand without any village support beyond their immediate household. I salute you, and I’m trying to adjust my mind-set to somehow prepare for this in a few week’s time.

The parents who might have lost their income sources and be facing uncertainty on all fronts, while trying to provide a nurturing and stable home for their children while pretending everything is alright. I see you.

To the mothers who spend a little extra time in the bathroom to scroll or cry or sleep or all three… I feel you.

I have no answers, all I know is that this is hard. And that it is vitally important that every parent knows that it is okay for this to feel confusing, to be anxious, to have bad moments or days or need a break or not be sure how not to break.

It does NOT mean we do not love our children, or that we are not valuing the special moments spent with them. It does not mean that we do not sometimes find ourselves lying next to them during nap time, welling up from just how fleeting this time can be (the whole ‘nights are long, but years are short’ kind of time, not lock-down) and how much we love just having the chance to fold our arms around them for a moment and make them feel safe.  

It does not mean that the two emotions (and then some) cannot exist simultaneously. That we cannot spend the quiet nights scrolling back at videos of our little ones and smiling, while during the day finding ourselves near breaking point because we just… need… a second… to breathe!

You are not alone, whatever you might be feeling at this time. And there is a village out there, and resources. And no, they might not provide a magic fix, but maybe just knowing we are not alone makes the necessary difference to breathe and keep going.

So… How are you guys coping?

xo