Motherhood and Babies (aka I'm Exhausted, and That's Okay)

Postnatal depression was a term that came up countless times during both the pre and post-natal appointments.

Before our first baby girl arrived it was mostly in the form of short but firm disclaimers around the key warning signs and the importance of seeking help. After she arrived, however, the questions were more direct;

“How are you feeling? Have you experienced any feelings of depression, anxiety, wanting to harm yourself or the baby, and if so on what scale?”

Ticking boxes.

I always tried to answer as honestly as possible. And the truth was, no… I could never say I had felt depressed from motherhood, or anything short of feeling madly in love with our baby. I missed her the moment we were apart, despite (as most humans) still very much craving moments to myself.

But…

I had also lost count of the times I cried in the hallway from reasons ranging from a lack of the ‘right’ chocolate biscuits to just how badly my nipples hurt, and the sleep-deprivation was so raw that I couldn’t concentrate on anything Netflix had to offer (and hadn’t they said this was the time to binge?).

But none of the above warranted any real concern professionally because… Well… Babies! And that’s in no way to suggest the midwives didn’t do an amazing job - they absolutely did! The reality is just so much more complicated than simple tick boxes.

When we were discharged after labour the nurse had told me to expect some baby blues around days 3-5 as the milk came in (hello hormones), but they assured me it shouldn’t’ last long.

The reality, however, was that days 3-5 were just the beginning of a huge life changing event. And did I mention the sleep deprivation?

As the nightly googling carried on, thread after thread of mama-forums filled with similar experiences made it very clear that postnatal emotions fell across a rather large spectrum.

Throughout my pregnancy and the immediate aftercare most everyone seemed to suggest there were two possible outcomes for my mental state; mostly fine, or really not fine. And that help could be sought either way.

The problem became falling somewhere in between. Blissfully happy, yet crying in despair at least once every second day because… It hurt, it was exhausting, cookies, that Lloyds commercial with the horse on the beach…

Our girl barely cried her first six weeks. She was intrigued by the world, and as long as we held her close she was quite happy to snooze, observe, eat, repeat.

The thing is, while that’s usually great news for one parent, another more often than not carries the brunt of the… literal carrying. I was lucky enough to go down the breastfeeding path by choice with only minor complications, but it also meant feeding constantly. Babies are born with tummies the size of a marble so they need to snack approximately all day long.

That’s hurdle number one, really.

Slowly those blissful moments at night stretched into extended exhaustion. Your hormones pull you through for survival, but there are evident cracks in the facade. In my case I started experiencing blurry vision after a few bad nights and struggling to maintain focus on things that did not involve her. Like remembering to pay for the groceries (or carry them from the shop after paying).

On top of this your body is in full recovery mode. After approximately 40 weeks of building a human, not to mention birthing one, there is significant physical (and often emotional) trauma to heal from too.

It is all messy and wonderful, and there is no guarantee how you might feel. Between the healing, the exhaustion, the overwhelming love, the excitement, the hormones. There is just carrying on, day by day.

Then one day your partner has to go back to work. Often, as is the case in the UK (two weeks), this happens long before mama has even been cleared from her initial physical healing (six weeks).

So now you are alone with this baby you adore, but you are also tired and still learning. Oh and you have run out of chocolate and can only ingest a limited amount of caffeine each day.

So you have a little cry between the smiles, between the magic. You feel amazing, powerful, overwhelmed, anxious. It’s all a crazy mess.

And that’s okay.

There is no one right (or wrong) way to feel post having a baby. The emotional postpartum spectrum is massive, and certainly not time restricted.

It’s okay to feel all the things, and perhaps we could all do each other a favour by also reminding new mamas-to-be of this, as they embark on the end of their pregnancy/beginning of life with a newborn. Of course you can be completely not fine or completely fine. But there’s also everything in-between. And you might find yourself moving up and down that spectrum as the weeks roll into months.

The point is… You are not alone, and you are worth support and acknowledgement and reaching out to the tribe (whatever that may look like; from other moms to family to online communities to professionals). You are doing great. You also should not have to do this alone or carry the experience without support.

We are all doing the best job we can for our babies. And the nights ARE long… But the years certainly short.

xo

PS, If you ARE struggling ANYWHERE on the spectrum, please reach out for support. Whether that might just mean a virtual coffee or a socially distanced walk with a friend, or you are looking for more solid resources (see links below), please know there are villages of all sorts out there.

The Mumologist - Runs an online Village group and posts loads of brilliant resources and supportive / conversation starter videos around parenting during the perinatal period.

Pandas A brilliant support network if you are struggling with postnatal mental health

Birth Better If you have had a traumatic birth experience (at any point) or are looking for support and honest advise (and please know YOU define traumatic, it can also be a huge spectrum)

Just Chill Mama If you are looking for sleep science and advise around baby and toddler snooze times in a non-judgemental and supportive space, with genuine appreciation for and helpful advise for ALL parenting philosophies (which is surprisingly un-common in the baby sleep space)